Jasper Gerard: Eye sees the light

If theres's anything that causes Madame Arcati to self-lubricate, it's an expression of agreement with any of her prejudices. So when I spotted the new Private Eye's trashing of the hideous Observer columnist Jasper Gerard my sensitive bits tingled. The words "world's worst columnist" were dildo-esque in their effect - and the news that even the paper's editor Roger Alton is realising that the "experiment in dumbing down is a disaster" with this "ham-fisted half-wit who'd be more at home at the Daily Express" was climactic to say the least.

Regular readers of Madame Arcati can catch up on my various reports on this gargoyle whose picture byline resembles the "before" photo in a dental hygiene ad. I shall be writing to Richard Desmond recommending Gerard for the Express: I am sure that the proprietor will relish Gerard's anti-Gypsy invective as well as his warming pensees on "immigrants" and other peoples who don't have the luxury of a lucrative soapbox.

As I've said before the only reason why Alton took Gerard on in the first place is because he wrote for the Sunday Times - national newspaper editors love sloppy seconds and think it a trophy thing to pick up other editors' left-overs. There are quite enough right-wing, complacent, slack-brained bastard journalists about without the supposedly liberal Observer adding to their coffers. Gerard is so appalling he makes the Mail's Amanda Platell appear faintly sentient.

If Alton does not get rid of Gerard I shall start a campaign of true horror and publish personal details about Gerard. I know that Gerard's wife does his accounts and if I know that imagine what else I know. The spirit of Sir Peter Ustinov animates me at this moment, and my fans will understand the relevance of this reference.