Celia Walden writes the gossip page Spy in the Daily Telegraph. Nigel Dempster she painfully ain’t. Take today, for instance, and her five tales.
She leads on Yvonne Ridley and her absence from the Islam Channel. “I now hear that the show [The Agenda] has been taken off air,” she writes with urgency. Yes, but the show was axed in the first week of January, dear. Still, Celia caught up in the end.
Her second story tells us that Prince William told Bertie Ahern that he supports Aston Villa. This tragic allegiance is common knowledge and the addition of Ahern fails to refresh our interest. Had he said "Manchester United" or some such, then she'd have a story.
Still on footie, she bumps into Teddy Sheringham at a new poker club in the City of London. From the auguries of his gnomic utterances she deduces that he’ll be retiring at the end of the season. This is a generally held view and scarcely a secret. Incidentally, she forgets to mention that he plays for West Ham United (tsk) but does manage to ask the great man if his romance with Celebrity Big Brother clot Danielle Lloyd may yet revive. His response, though completely unrevealing, is reported.
Next Celia reminds her readers that she was the one who reported Jeremy Paxman’s attack on the BBC last week. Sadly, she undermines herself with the additional reminder that she came across this scoop in the BBC’s mag Ariel – not quite Woodward and Bernstein, sugar.
Celia’s last story is about someone called Charlotte Wheeler, 22, who stuns with the confession that she once played something in Vegas (the editing makes her game of choice ambiguous). Her daddy gives money to the Tories so I guess this expose is at least in the right paper.
I understand from my sources (actually, Celia’s bio on her Society blog) that she speaks French and Italian. Surely she could do better as an airline trolley dolly or one of those polyglot station announcers at Waterloo.