Sharon Osbourne: How she shat on Elton John

David Arden trashes his monstrous celeb sister Sharon Osbourne in the News of the World today - the revelations are so destructive that I think we can view the current series of The X Factor as her swan song. Because the paper pinches Arcati's story on Paul Gascoigne without credit, I'm happy to lift promiscuously.

Of Elton John, Arden says: "'Elton is Sharon's oldest friend. But to this day, he still doesn't know about one truly disgusting act of spiteful revenge she took against him in the early 70s, long before she met Ozzy.

"'Sharon and Elton both fancied the same young man in Los Angeles. And when Elton was the one who finally got him into bed Sharon was furious. Accompanied by a friend of ours, who told me everything, she sneaked up to Elton's Beverly Hills mansion, defecated on his driveway then used it for her own dirty protest all over his Rolls-Royce. It was absolutely appalling. But that's just the way Sharon ALWAYS retaliates.

"'Many years later, after she had Ozzy arrested for trying to strangle her, I sent a note telling him to keep his chin up. A few days later, it was hand-delivered back to me in a Tiffany box. I opened the box to discover Sharon had sickeningly used my note as toilet paper.'

"She pulled a similar stunt after finding a cuddly toy monkey given to her dad by his mistress. 'Dad said after soiling the monkey's head, Sharon moved it outside the front door so it would be sitting there to welcome him home.' Added David: 'She's got a real problem. Sharon must know that.' In her autobiography she even admits once peeing in singer Lynsey de Paul's suitcase!"

Arden also claims that she attempted to sabotage The X Factor by trying to persuade her protege Ben Mills to quit the show to save her face as a likely third-time losing judge. Osbourne persists in telling anyone who'll listen that Simon Cowell is gay and regularly betrays the confidence of her "close friend" the Duchess of York by reporting that her marriage to Andrew broke up when she found him in bed with "his celebrity lover". That curious phrasing suggests to me that his lover was male - a variation on the male servant urban myth.

My congratulations to Colin Myler on the first decent story of his editorship.